what is intimacy

Intimacy is made up of three main components: vulnerability, good verbal communication and physical closeness (of which sex is probably only 30 per cent). Get these key ingredients balanced and you will always feel both loved and desired. Vulnerability is all about being open and risking revealing something about yourself. Not surprisingly it is also the hardest intimate quality to achieve. This is because our fear of getting hurt may be almost as strong as our desire for intimacy. So we hold back and build up our defences as an insurance policy against pain.

 couples who were good at communicating at the start of their relationship can find their skills evaporating. In the early, heady days of love we never stop talking; we share our opinions on everything from shellfish to Shakespeare. Contrast this with the stress of everyday life, when communication is cut down to the bare essentials – what time you’re back, kids needing money for school – as we cross paths in the kitchen. Although this shorthand is very efficient it offers no space for the rich details that taught us so much during courtship. In the gaps we start to make assumptions. We fail to notice that our partner’s tastes have changed and our opinions need updating. Worse still, we can swallow our irritations for the sake of avoiding an argument and to ensure the smooth running of the household. The feelings do not disappear but turn to resentment, further distorting good communication. What about physical closeness? The casual touch on the arm as you make a point; stroking his or her neck as you watch TV; smooching, long cuddles.