adding and eliminating

13 ways to add trust and intimacy in a relationship

We deepen our trust and intimacy whenever we:

1. Turn toward each other more than you turn away (video). As Daphne de Marneffe writes in her book The Rough Patch, “Couples turn away from each other for any number of apparent reasons, but underneath it all, it’s usually because they feel misunderstood, unheard, or unable to agree.”

2. Support each other in times of failure or discouragement.

3. Establish rituals of connection, like a goodbye hug or a 10-min chat before bed.

4. Speak well of each other, especially in front of others.

5. Believe in the other—and express that in words or actions.

6. Express who we really are and what we really feel inside (even when it may lead to a disagreement).

7. Celebrate each other’s successes, however small.

8. Sit with the other person’s emotions—even if you feel just as lost or hopeless just make an effort to not turn away or shut the emotions out.

9. Express unconditional acceptance of each other.

10. Practise listening without judgment. Whenever we do this, we provide a safe space for more sharing and disclosure to happen in future.

11. Acknowledge and appreciate the other’s strengths.

12. Make time for things that each other enjoys (including sex of course).

13. Forgive, often.

Eliminate these top 5 intimacy stealers

1. Digital devices—Yes, digital devices are so sexy that they often tend to divide and isolate even the best of us. Keep them away from bedrooms if possible, and especially during date nights or movie nights with your spouse. This tells your partner that your eyes are for him/her only.

2. Ignoring your spouse when he/she is trying to talk—Not really listening counts to. We all know when someone isn’t really listening to us, even when they give eye contact.

3. Frequent and drawn-out cold wars—Cold wars, if frequent, can drain the passion and energy from a marriage. It can make us question the strength of our marriage and doubt or distrust our partner. To resolve the issues, communication is key, and here I’m going to use the analogy of the golden ring (The Rough Patch, Marneffe).

In the golden ring mindset, “partners figuratively stand alongside each other and look together at their shared problem, collaborating rather than competing.” I love this analogy because each partner brings their need into the ring and are able to think about the problem more objectively.

4. Criticism—Frequently criticising your partner or putting them down (especially in public) can make them feel insecure and unappreciated. Instead of being blowing up flaws or negative traits, try to add more positive and affirming words to your vocabulary. This doesn’t mean that you sweep all the negative things under the carpet; there is still a time and place for dealing with certain recurring issues. But do so with love, compassion, and respect as it will allow your partner to be less defensive and more open to feedback.

5. Ignoring small problems—Is there something you wish he would do but he doesn’t? Or does he do something that annoys you to no end? (Maybe leaving his dirty clothes around the house?) If the issue is a nagging one and it’s causing resentment, it may be better to nip it in the bud. Find a time/place that is conducive for talking and give each other a headsup so you’re prepared. (Try the ring analogy I shared in point 3.)